Feedback conversations are vital for our growth and development, but they are also magnets for drama. No matter whether we’re giving or receiving feedback, we inevitably feel pulled towards playing the part of Persecutor, Rescuer, or Victim.
You give feedback about missed deadlines, and your team member gets defensive. You receive feedback about your presentation style, and suddenly you’re explaining, justifying, shutting down.
Why Feedback Is a Drama Magnet
Feedback involves identity and agency at the same time.
We’ve established that your work is tied to your competence, your belonging, your sense of whether you’re doing okay in the world. So when someone critiques it, your nervous system hears: You’re wrong. You’re failing. You’re not safe.
And when agency feels threatened (when something feels like it’s being done to you) drama rushes in.
When you receive feedback that stings, you might slip into Victim: They don’t understand. This isn’t fair. There’s nothing I can do.
When you give feedback and the other person gets emotional, you might slip into Rescuer: Oh no, I hurt their feelings. Let me fix this. Or into Persecutor: They’re just being defensive. They need to hear this.
All three roles take you out of agency and into drama. And when you’re in drama, feedback stops being useful.
Staying Grounded When Drama Shows Up
So how do you resist the pull?
1. Remember: Feedback is data.
It’s information. You get to decide what you do with it.
2. Create a pause.
That space between the reaction and the response is where your power lives.
3. Remember your own agency.
You get to decide what to do with the feedback you receive. And when you give feedback, you don’t get to decide what the recipient does with it.
4. Notice the pull towards drama.
Victim? Reclaim your choice.
Rescuer? Let them feel what they feel.
Persecutor? It’s not your job to punish.
Are You Ready?
Before you give or receive difficult feedback, ask yourself: Am I actually ready for this?
If you want to get better at giving and receiving feedback, my favorite source is Brené Brown’s Dare to Lead. (You can view her full feedback checklist here.). Before giving feedback Brené asks herself:
- Am I coming from curiosity, or judgment?
- Can I acknowledge what this person does well?
- Can I hold them accountable without shaming?
- Am I open to owning my part?
If you find yourself answering “no” to any of these, you’re probably not ready to give feedback. And that’s okay; it just means you need to do some work on your side first.
Getting good at feedback conversations isn’t about eliminating emotion. It’s about recognizing when you’re being pulled into Victim, Rescuer, or Persecutor roles, and choosing to step back into agency instead.
That pause is where growth happens.
The next time you’re in a feedback conversation, notice which role you’re tempted to slide into. Notice the pull. And then see if you can pause, step back, and choose agency instead.
Photo by Resume Genius on Unsplash