If You Haven’t Said It Out Loud, It’s Not a Boundary

Boundaries are my favorite coaching topic.

My first therapist introduced me to the concept twenty years ago, and it changed my life. I’m always eager to give the same gift to my clients. One client in particular was having multiple panic attacks a day, feeling like her role in life was to be of service to everyone around her. Once we unpacked what boundaries actually were (and how she needed more give-and-take with the people in her life), she made a few radical but simple changes — and the panic attacks stopped almost overnight.

Considering the boundaries that are and aren’t present in your life can be a path out of codependence, out of conflict avoidance, out of passive aggression, and, just as importantly, a path into trust. Boundaries are like a magic key.

One of the fastest ways leaders burn out isn’t because of their own responsibilities — it’s because they’re taking on the responsibilities of others.

They take on other people’s expectations and emotions. They smooth out every wrinkle. They say yes to things that don’t fit their role because saying no feels selfish or unhelpful. And when the resentment starts to creep in, they think, Something’s wrong with me. I should be more patient, more adaptable, more generous.

But often, nothing’s wrong with them. What’s wrong is the boundary — or the lack thereof.

A boundary isn’t a punishment; it’s a shared understanding. It’s the space where you say, “Here’s what I can own, and here’s what I can’t.” Without that clarity, teams stumble into each other’s lanes. You get leaders who over-function and team members who under-function, and everyone quietly frustrated about the imbalance.

Most boundary issues aren’t visible. They show up as tension in a meeting, irritation with a colleague, that vague sense of being taken advantage of. But anger and resentment are usually just smoke — the fire is a boundary that was never named.

If you haven’t said it out loud, it’s not a boundary. It’s just a hope.

The fix isn’t to become rigid or defensive; it’s to get clear. “Here’s what I expect. Here’s what I’m responsible for. Here’s what I need from you.” That’s not confrontation — that’s leadership.

If you’re feeling that quiet resentment or tension, it might be time to ask: what boundary am I not naming?

* Photo by Merilin Kirsika Tedder: https://www.pexels.com/photo/black-metal-fence-635405/